Monologue
Barbecue Apocalypse — John
Matt Lyle
John: Whoa! Whoa! You are jumpy! Hey, it’s O K. It’s O K. Can … can I come up on the porch there? O K. O K. Everybody relax. How is everybody today? (Silence) O K. So … excuse me but I was listening in to make sure I was at the right place, so … You folks were talking about the new age we find ourselves in. I’m gonna sit down now if that’s O K? O K. (He sits. He’s calm and still throughout.) Oh, that’s nice. Now when I sit I actually appreciate it. I used to sit all the time. I sat at work at a desk. I sat at home in front of the T V. It was so easy. I wanted more, though, stuff I couldn’t have. My heart was restless but my body didn’t move. Then everything went right to hell, didn’t it? I had to stand up. And I liked that feeling, I don’t know about you folks. I liked moving around and needing something. Needing something so bad, something so necessary, so primal, that I just had to have it. There were no other options. Am I right? You folks went through it. You do it, you find it, you take it or you die. Right? It was refreshing. Am I right? (Silence) You are some chatty sons of bitches. I had something to do: stay alive. And it suited me, I guess, cuz I’m still doing it. This may be the longest I’ve sat still in … months. No, I’m always moving now. Always hunting. Can I be honest with you all? I think I can. Cuz I know Win here and he told me all about you, except where you were. Friends taking care of each other. It’s nice. You remind me of me and my friends a little. Lemme tell you a story. A short story. I had fallen in with these folks in Atlanta, or outside of Atlanta. Four of us guys; Me, Jim, Ted, Michael, all looking out for each other. Buddies. God, Ted was funny as hell. Even in the face of all this. Always good for … for a laugh. Man, I loved Ted. Anyway, we were traveling and following every rumor about safe places and … we were dying. We were wasting away. And I was in my sleeping bag one night. Looking up at the sky and figuring it was my last night to see it. And … I was thinking back to the man I was before … Always wanting, but never doing anything about it … and then I looked at my situation, dying, scared, hungry. And then I was truthful to myself, about myself for the first time. I figured out who I really was and how I fit into this world. That’s real happiness. I just stood right up and I put my hand over Ted’s mouth and I stuck my knife right into his neck. And it worked like that for the others, too. Their eyes went wide then just out. In two minutes I was alone. (He takes a gun out of his pants and places it on the table.) Then I took everything they had that I needed. It hadn’t been enough for the four of us. But it was enough for me. Your friend here, Win … he’s kind of a douche bag. You probably all know that, right? (General agreement)